Innocence

It was a cousin’s wedding and the entire family was sleeping the night before the wedding in a large hall with mattresses on the floor. My tenth board exams were approaching and in the month of January, I had already made a time-table for my study. During the wedding preparations my mind would often get worried about exams, the moment I started enjoying the wedding. But something else also would steal my attention; ‘M’ would often look at me in odd ways. He had tried to touch my breasts in the car when the entire family took a drive for six hours to reach the destination venue for wedding. I did not know what to think about it. He is already married with a five year old daughter but is not officially divorced from his wife, despite a marital discord. He is revered in the family as an intellectual and someone ‘high’.

I felt guilty and ashamed after the incident but never mentioned it to anyone. During the night, when everyone took their place to sleep, he slept on the mattress next to mine. After the lights were off, he started to touch me on my naval and lips. He then pulled me towards him and asked to walk out with him. I obliged. I guess I wanted it. We then went out and he kissed me on my lips. For the first time I was kissed. He kissed me with his tongue inside my mouth. I was almost passive and was just obliging to the advances. I enjoyed it that moment.

We then walked back to the sleeping area and lied down at our respective places. I was scared that someone would get to know this. I had never imagined that I will have my first kiss with him. But it feels like the strict teacher who approves of no one in the class gave me a pat on my back. I just heard the tinkle of the bangles; I think it’s my maternal aunt. I better pretend to be asleep.

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